Are You a Pusher or Are You a Puller?
by Laventriloque
Summary: "Love, I need you to grab my hand for me okay? You could really hurt yourself, it's dangerous to step over the barrier, love. Grab my hand, I'll take you to the other side safely ok?" The stranger doesn't seem to understand how far the other side seems to Louis. "


**Prologue**

Louis can see himself from a far. It's as if he is watching a movie, not fully aware of himself while he steps over the ledge of the bridge. He stares down at the water beneath him and hopes that the bridge is high enough, the water cold enough and the current violent enough that when he finally jumps, everything stops. That's all he really wants. For everything to stop.

He knows he's worthless, he's been told numerous times. He knows nobody would mourn him, he's been told that too. He is aware of his black eye throbbing and he's dislocated jaw aching. He is aware of he's bruised ribs, maybe some of them are even broken, but he can't _feel_it. Truth is, he's accustomed to the pain, he doesn't feel it anymore. More accurately he doesn't know how not being hurt would feel anymore.

He definitely can't feel anything other than the longing for silence, for the voices in his head telling him he's never going to accomplish anything, never going to be worth anything to anyone, he wants those voices to shut up for once. He knows the only way to do that is to jump.

The only fear that's keeping him from leaping into the abyss beneath him is the fear of not succeeding, of not dying. What if the fall isn't big enough? What if the water isn't cold enough? Is it ironic that your thoughts just before killing yourself aren't ones of instinctive survival, but of fear of not dying the way you intend to? Louis fears staying alive more than dying.

He doesn't know how long it's been standing on the ledge of the bridge, grabbing the barrier behind him. He hears some sort of commotion on the bridge, _sirens_, he thinks, _maybe there's been an accident nearby_, he thinks. He wouldn't imagine that someone would have noticed him. Nobody ever did. Not his teachers, nor his so-called friends.

"Hello, I'm Harry."

_Is someone talking to me?_ Louis isn't sure, all he can see is emptiness beneath, the void calling him, teasing him. _Why aren't I jumping already? Why can't I accomplish this one thing?_ He can see himself sobbing, but he doesn't really feel it. He can't move trapped by the fear of not dying if he jumps and not dying if he doesn't jump either. The voice behind him is persistent, the person attached to it gently asks for louis' name. Louis doesn't see the point in that. His name won't matter to anyone anyways.

"Do you think I will die from that height? Is it high enough?" He hears himself ask. He doesn't know why he engaged a conversation with a stranger that's likely to see him die. It's not fair to neither of them. He shouldn't talk, he should just jump, however there's something about the stranger's voice that sooths him and he wants to hear more of it. It's selfish he knows, but Louis always was weak.

"Love, I need you to grab my hand for me okay? You could really hurt yourself, it's dangerous to step over the barrier, love. Grab my hand, I'll take you to the other side safely ok?"

The stranger doesn't seem to understand how far the other side seems to Louis.

"So you think I would die than?" Louis morbidly asks. He just wants the stranger to talk more, to soothe him so he can be at peace when he finally falls.

"what's your name love?"

Louis still doesn't understand the persistence of the stranger. Why would he care so much about someone like Louis? His own father has told him countless times that he isn't worth anybody's attention and he's father knows him. He is right, he isn't worth anyone's time or effort. He should save the stranger the bother and tell him that Louis isn't worth it. But Louis is selfish and weak he won't do that. He will latch onto any attention you give him, like a desert would soak every moisture it could touch, every impossible raindrop. Curious as to see who carries that deep, soft voice, Louis turns his face towards it and is met with striking, intelligent green eyes and a gentle face, a caring one. The word around him spins and he suddenly feels himself going back into his body. It's like he has suddenly awoken. The problem is that the dream was easier, reality is his nightmare. Returning to his body is violent. He feels his jaw, aching from the right punch of his father, his left eye that he can barely open from the second punch he received seconds after before collapsing to the ground. He feels his torso lithered with bruises from the kicks his father threw at him. More than the physical pain he feels the hurt of his words, telling him he's nothing, telling him he should kill himself and end his miserable excuse for a life.

Those green eyes brought him back. And the awakening is too violent for Louis. He is now fully aware of the fall that threatens his broken limbs. He is fully aware of the danger threatening his life. He's not so sure he can jump anymore. Green eyes have a hand stretched out to him, pleading for him to take. Louis now feels tears falling from his eyes. He wants to go back to the dream, he doesn't want to face the pain he now feels. Louis is weak, he can't take it. He looks back down for a fraction of a second. He has to be brave enough to jump. He has to. He needs to be. He can't go back now.

"What is your name?" The man asks again, sensing a change in Louis' demeanor. He seems more aware now, more receptive to what Harry is saying. He could see a light in the blue of his eyes that wasn't there seconds before.

"Louis." The boy says. Harry thinks he mustn't be more than 17 years old, maybe younger. What would bring such a young boy on the ledge of a bridge, desperately trying to end his life when it hasn't fully begun?

Harry, at only 23, has already seen his fair share of suicide attempts being the first responder police turns to in these situations. He knows that in this line of profession you have to distance yourself from the person you're trying to save, but as soon as his eyes landed on those striking blues he could hardly breathe from how much he cared. He wants to save him, wants to cuddle him close and tell him everything's going to be okay. If he could only reach the boy's hand, he could pull him from the imminent danger and make sure he's all right. Looking at the boy's face, Harry can see the bruising, can see the hurt in his eyes. He has no doubt that the person who did this to him has a strong connection to the reason he's here tonight. He wants to make that person suffer, he wants to make sure no one hurts Louis ever again. He surprises himself for caring so much already, but he decides he doesn't care about protocol anymore, he just wants to save this boy in every way possible. He promises himself he's going to do everything in his power to make him all right again. He has to stop himself from stepping over the barrier to grab Louis. It wouldn't be wise to risk his life like that. If he fell, who would take care of Louis?

"Louis hi! Nice to meet you." Harry forces a gentle smile on his face, his hand still stretched as far as he possibly can. He is aware of the ambulance and the two police cars behind him, the silence is thick, almost suffocating, everyone waiting anxiously to see if Harry will succeed in changing the boy's mind.

If Louis would just stretch his arm a little, Harry could touch him. That's all he needs. Contact. However small. Than he could grab Louis and lead him out of imminent danger. But blue eyes are staring at him, unsure if he can let himself trust, unsure of what Harry's intentions are.

"Louis, I need you to take my hand for me, okay?" Harry repeats, he knows it probably won't be that easy, it rarely is.

"Please let me do this. I have to" Louis can't imagine going back home, not after running away like he did. If he doesn't kill himself now, he's not sure his father won't take care of it himself. He needs to have control over at least how he dies. He won't die being beat up against a wall, he just won't. Tears are flooding down Louis' face.

He can't go back to his father. He has to jump, there's no question anymore. He needs to try. He just wishes Harry wouldn't see it. He doesn't want those gentle green eyes to witness his death. He has to be left alone.

Louis turns his face back to the water. As soon as Harry leaves him alone, he will jump.

Harry sees the sudden determination in Louis' body language, he can feel his decision. He knows how critical this could be. He panics and fights not to let it show. He has to stay calm for Louis.

"Louis, don't jump." He rushes, trying to hold on to the boy's attention. Any moment Louis could decide to release the barrier. The jump would be fatal, there's no doubt about it, Harry as already seen it himself. He won't let it happen again. "Come one buddy, take my hand, let's talk about this okay? Think it through yeah?"

Louis is shaking his head violently, face down to the water. He has to stop listening to Harry. Harry has to stop talking. Louis knows he's weak and he doesn't want those beautiful green eyes to change his mind. His moment of bravery will pass if Harry doesn't go away now.

"Harry?" The name rolls hesitantly on Louis' lips. Harry shivers from the innocence of it. He wants to protect this boy more than anything.

"Yes Louis, I'm here, I'm listening". He needs to convince Louis to take his hand. Harry's mind is going through every option possible. If he can't make contact with him, he'll have to figure out why exactly Louis is here and convince him it's not worth it, make him see that he has his life in front of him, he can't throw it away so soon. Harry also knows that the longer he keeps Louis talking, the better his chances are of not going through with it.

"Please, can you leave me? I can't do this if you watch, I can't do it in front of you." Louis' breathing picks up. He's silently sobbing.

"Louis –" Harry starts, but is quickly interrupted by Louis' pleads.

"Please, please, please, Harry let me jump. You have to let me do this. I don't want you to look, go back please, I'm begging you Harry, I can't do this if I know you're looking, I need to be alone." Louis is full on crying now, he can't seem to calm himself down. Harry is worried he might slip by accident seeing how worked up he is getting. He needs to calm him down.

"Okay Louis calm down now. I hear you, I understand you feel you need to do this and you need me to leave to do so, I understand love." Harry is intently analyzing Louis' body language, he can see him calming down. Good. Now he needs to keep him talking.

"Let's make a deal okay? I will leave you alone if you explain to me why you're doing this first. If I agree with your reasons, I will leave you alone, I will." Harry sees Louis furrowing his eyebrows. He's thinking about it, Harry is pleased not to be met with a resounding no. seeing an opening, he continues,

"Louis, you are in control, only you can decide if you want to live or die right now. It would be your choice either to jump or to take my hand. No one can make you do something you don't want to. I understand that Louis, I do. I just want to make sure you thought this through. If I see that you did and agree with you, I will leave you alone."

He knows than that Louis needs to feel like he has control not only on ending his life, but also on deciding to live. Harry needs to convince him that it would also be empowering and brave for Louis to choose life rather than death.

"You won't understand-" Louis begins. Harry is quick to interject.  
"I will try my hardest to understand Louis. I will listen and if I agree with your conclusions, I will leave you alone."

The 5 seconds of silence that follow are agonizing to Harry. He needs to let Louis ponder though. If he talks too much, he could overwhelm him and that wouldn't end well either.

"Promise?" Louis finally says.

Harry smiles a little, seeing an opportunity he can't ignore. It might dent Louis' trust towards him, but he has to try. Louis' life is more important, he'll work on rebuilding trust later. Talking longer could end really badly and he can't take chances like that. He can't lose this innocent, beautiful young boy he just found.

With determination and kindness Harry tries his shot,

"Pinky promise" he closes the hand that was still stretched towards Louis so that only his pinky sticks out. Hoping, praying that Louis will take the bait.

Louis does. He stretches his hand, pinky first. As soon as Harry feels the soft skin on his, he grabs, Louis' arm and forcefully shoves him away from the ledge, on the right side of the barrier and away from danger.

Louis gasps. He feels betrayed, he's crying uncontrollably. Harry didn't let him explain and he can't go back home, he's father will beat him to death, he knows it. Or worse, he'll leave him barely breathing on the floor. Louis is panting erratically, crying, he tries to get up and back on the ledge, but someone pins him to the floor. He fights with everything he has left to free himself, ignoring the violent shoots of pain in his torso and his jaw.

"Please Louis, try to calm your breathing for me. You're having a panic attack."

"Let me – go, please – let me – I need to – please – I can't – I can't go back!" Louis is desperate, he is fighting the police officer that's now putting handcuffs on his wrists to restrain him. Louis can't breathe, he's so scared of going back home, he's suffocating under the police officer's weight. He sees familiar green eyes lean over him, he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and another one pushing his sweaty fringe back, away from his eyes.

"Louis breathe. Concentrate on your breathing. In and out, in and out. That's it you're doing great love."

Harry takes him through his inhales and exhales and Louis can feel himself calming down. Exhausted, he stops fighting back. He has to accept his fate now. He has no control, he never had any. He was fooled into thinking that someone cared for once, that Harry cared. In reality, he was only doing his job. Making sure no one was killing themselves on his watch. He didn't care if it was Louis' only escape. He didn't care that now Louis was stuck going back to his aggressive father. He didn't care about Louis at all and Louis was weak, talking to a stranger instead of doing what needed to be done. Now it's too late.

Harry can see the boy's exhaustion rising as the adrenaline wears off. He asks the police officer to release his hands. He watches as the boy is slowly lead to the back of the ambulance that will take him to the nearest hospital. Harry having done his job as first respondent shouldn't go with him, shouldn't feel compelled to know the boy's story and shouldn't want to protect him at any cost. But he does and he won't apologize for it. He is a social worker by training. He will fight to be assigned to Louis' case and fight to make sure he doesn't go back to whoever put those bruises on this perfect, beautiful boy.


End file.
